1996-1999

When I Lived Alone

09 MY LITTLE JAIL I prefer the world without my glasses on, the edges aren’t so harsh, I can deal with the blur. When I have to face reality cold & clear the sharpness cuts to easily, I’m hurt & scared. I ask myself so many times why do I feel so weak. While others seem to glide through time I stagnate & creep. I know I should get out & win but in the past I failed so I remain inside my little jail. Please please leave me be society, I don’t wanna come out & play, maybe tomorrow not today, please please respect my privacy, its lonely but its safe inside my little jail. It’s hard to keep my footsteps light when I feel immobilized with heavy limbs & heavy heart somebody empathize and tell me how to find the motivation & the nerve to live as I feel deep inside I should which is to serve the purpose that we’re all here for, to give to love to grow. Isn’t that what we’re meant to do I’m waiting for God to tell me so. The only thing I’m sure of is a guaranteed maze and so I take my glasses of and languish in the haze…

10 IF U were MINE If you were mine then maybe I’d believe there was a God, a God who granted me my one desire. If you were mine I’d make an oath to be forever kind, to share my joy with all I’d be consigned if you were mine. If you were mine my inner sun would always shine, if you were mine I’d love you for the rest of my life. If you were here I’d treasure every single day we shared I’d never waste a moment on my fears if you were here with me. If I was there with you I’d shower you with kisses sweet and true and gaze into your eyes the whole night through and smile all the time. If you were mine I’d never curse, I’d never cry unless we had to part and then my heart would wither and die. If you were mine Oh God I’m praying now’s the time. Please hear my soul all night it cries I need you by my side. If you were mine then maybe I’d believe there was a God A God who granted me my one desire

11 LADY GAY Have you seen a woman small and pale in a melancholy haze. Did she hesitate and smile at you with a pleasing blue-green gaze. Did you long to share your tale of woe and stay with her a while. If so you met the angel Lady Gay – she’ll give you her time. Oh Lady Gay she’ll give you time she’ll soothe your mind, she’ll listen and she’ll empathise, she’ll make it all seem fine. You’ll leave her knowing someone cares, you’ll leave her and you’ll shine but you’ll never leave her long because the Lady’s one of a kind. Have you seen her tip-toeing like the pavement was on fire. Was her well-groomed cloak and wise word spoke belied by misfit eyes. Did you long to take her pale hand and protect her from the night. If so you found my angel Lady Gay – she’ll save your life. Oh Lady Gay she’ll save you in your time of strife, she’ll love you like no other loyal sister doting wife. You’ll leave her with a halo beaming for you day & night but you’ll return to learn because the Lady’s one of a kind

12 WHO INVITED GUILT 2 STAY One mistake is one too many Want control but stuff gets in the way Who invited guilt to stay? Such a huge discrepancy between what I set out to do each day And what I end up doing and it’s not OK Coz I know what I’m supposed to do But I just can’t relax and let it go No it’s not OK just to let it go Coz when I’m down my sin envelopes me And when I feel like this I almost yearn for the comfort of death’s kiss One mistake is one too many Listen to my only real enemy inside of me His whisper roars and saps my energy And I know when I’ve done wrong I’ll pay dearly with a big chunk of my sanity…

13 HEROINE Be your own Heroine. Roll with the punches without giving in. Don’t smack yourself up find strength within sister. Be your own Heroine. Be your own Heroine, write it down with an E at the end then begin, toss those blackened T-spoons sister be your own Heroine. What a pretty Heroine she’d make, that’s what they’d say, what a shame she shoots herself day after day. Be your own Heroine, take one day at a time, fall back on your kin. Walk a mile, have a cry, try to sleep a while, reconnect with your yin. What a waste of womanhood, that’s what they sigh, if only she could feel the breath of the Heroine who sleeps behind her eyes …

14 JUST LIKE RHETT BUTLER Pinch my arm I’m gone again to where you see no girl but me, to where the sound of my name gives you palpitations, and a glance at my face leaves you with buzzing sensations. Slap my face I’m off once more to where you dream of me at night. To where the sound of my voice fills you with glorious vibrations and causes your lips to propel towards mine in amorous magnetization. Coz here in reality I am spurned, hoping and praying you love me, is misguided nerve, and a total waste of time coz where my well-being’s concerned you give a damn just like Rhett Butler. Kick both bum cheeks pull my hair, punch my nose and make it bleed till I stop kidding myself that this situation will end in us acquiring each other’s relations…

15 WHEN I LIVED ALONE  When I lived alone x 3 When I lived alone my rules began to bend, I slept all afternoon and had tea and toast at 3am. I took and gave up smoking meditation and violin, I went from wine to beer to lemon cordial and gin. When I lived alone I ate dinner in the buff, I shaved my pubic hair and it grew back thick and tuff. I cut my fringe diagonal and tried to pierce my belly, I bathed my feet in soya milk and set my face in jelly. When I lived alone I called my cactus Bert, I checked the phone at 10-minute intervals to see that it still worked. I learned to speak some gay-talk from the men who lived above and liked to listen in the dark as they made love. When I lived alone a spider was my friend. I told her all my secrets till she met a grizzly end – as we shared a shower she was lost down the abyss. When I lived alone I wrote weird songs like this…

16 TINY BLUE FLAME Last night I couldn’t sleep so I decided to write but enjoying the peace that darkness brings I didn’t wanna switch on the light so I rustled my way through the grocery bags to the back of the bottom drawer till my fingernails grazed the wax of a candle an old flame gave me years before. I put that candle on the window sill and blew the dust away and in the moonlight I saw the wick was thin and frayed, so I took it in my fingertips gave it a dose of TLC till I knew that it was ready to do it’s job till I knew it would burn, burn for me. I cupped my hands around the warmth and felt content to be and in the window pane my glowing face smiled back at me. Well who’d’ve thought love could be found in such simplicity. That tiny blue flame lit my world, it burned it burned it burned it burned, burned for me. There was no sound or time I didn’t even need to breathe, there was only the candlelight and the peace it shone upon inside of me, and I was one with everyone and they were one with me and everything was beautiful, so beautiful so beautiful, and I knew I was free…

17 STAY Please don’t look away like that, please don’t turn your back. Take my hand, stay with me. It’s been bad, that’s understood, but from now on I promise I’ll make it good, take my hand, stay with me. You and I, we’re not done yet. Look back on us, remember what you said the first night we shared. You said please don’t turn away pretty girl, please never ever leave my world, take my hand and stay with me…

18 DEAR STEVE Dear Steve, I had to write coz you’ve gone away with your girlfriend, and that’s OK, but you didn’t say goodbye, and I consider myself a close friend, the kind of friend you should always call if you were going away with your girlfriend, that’s all. Hey Steve I’d better add I’m not trying to send you on a guilt trip, you’re not obliged, you have your life but if I told you when you’re gone I miss you, if you knew that I’m sure you’d call so next time please remember that I’ll miss you, that’s all. Hey Steven, just one more thing please don’t think for a moment I got motives – we’re just good friends you and I, the kind of friends no girlfriend could ever compete with. Why her not me, Why her not me when I look at you and I see me and if you looked at me right you’d see just where you need to be, soulmates indeed pure harmony, our own symphony, all night I bleed all night I bleed all night I bleed. Hey Steve yeah it’s been a while, well I swear I wrote to you weeks ago I just forgot to post it, well anyway I just heard yesterday, so let me shake your hand you married man and I’ll be on my way. No I can’t stay, maybe I’ll see you round some day…